let me make something clear…

i do not put myself to sleep every night crying because i lost my boyfriend. obviously, in some respects i do. i cry because i lost myself. i cry because it was my fault. i cry because i wasnt good enough. i cry because i lost him. i cry because i am left here crying, and he could care less. i cry because i cant talk to him. i cry because i miss walking with him. i cry because i miss his presents. i cry because i miss the feeling he gave me. not the butterrflies, not the chills, not love, because those have withheld this mess. its the feeling of because loved. the genuine (i guess i question that now as i lay and reflect) feeling that someone would forever love and care about me. that i was special to him and in no way would that ever change. i dont cry because i miss the label we had. words are so meaningless. i cry because i will never get him back. i cry because he doesnt care. i cry because i am forced to question something that, in my heart, was so real. i dont cry because i miss his presents in front of me, and his touch (although i do more than anything else in the world) i cry because i miss his presents in my life. all that can be done i didnt do. i messed up. and the fact that it was my fault haunts myy sleepless nights until all i have left to do is cry by myself in a dark room because frankly thats where i belong. i dont deserve anyones love. i cannot be trusted with it. i feel as though someone does not have the capability to love me. i feel as though moments of eye contact on a crowded stage that make my insides flip in and out and out of my body and spin me around until i cant breathe and our eyes lock and i cannot  move. and i am frozen where i am until i forget others are in the room at all. . means nothing. it means nothing to him. it means my whole world, but to him it is simply a gesture. that kills me. that is why i cry. i cry because ive lost someone who means more to me than my own life. 

i cry not because i lost my boyfriend, but because i lost my best friend. and that will surely be the death of me.