i had an interesting night last night. i had no idea how gone the feelings for him. together, theyre strong, but when i part from him,there is no interest. no wanting. no needing like i feel. maybe i even fabricate the feeling we have when were together. maybe i just tell myself im more important than i am. i have truly lost him. i have truly lost myself. i have messed up. past the point of return. what is the point? what could possibly be the point for me to carry on the way i am? theres no point in turning back no, because there would me no one to catch me. what i have now is truly what it will be. . the best it will be. ive lost my sense of belonging. in my own self pity and trust issues, i have lost what is most important to me. ive lost what makes me. ive lost who i thought i was. all i have left to do now is start over. .and pretend. continue to pretend im happy. continue to pretend im not broken. yet, i am so broken. i can barely stand to stand next to him anymore without my knees getting weak and my mind fluttering. it was to the point last night where he would talk to me, yet i had to ask him to repeat himself twice because i truly wasnt listening to a word he was saying. i was just taking in what i could of him before i had to be ripped away again. and ripped i was. and my lame attempts and seeing him again were thrown back with the littlest of thoughts. 

i am no longer a piece of his life anymore. i am no longer in my heart as he is mine. im longer important, even significant in his life. and it burns every part of my sole. i want to sit in a corner and weep. i want to curl up in a ball and saulk in what is now my shell of a life. i dont feel alive when i am not with him. i dont light up the way i do when he smiles at me for anyone. no one.

i wish more than anything i wasnt such a screw up. i wish i didnt cause this. i wish none of this had happened. i wish i was still getting married to the love of my life the way we planned. i wish i was still able to call my baby and cuddle with him whenever i damn well please. i wish i still had my best friend to talk to and to make me feel like im important. i wish i still had my best friend to lift up when he isnt feeling his best. i wish i still had someone to bring soup and a kiss to when they were feeling sick. i wish someone else in this God forsaken world could make me smile, and feel special the only way he can. i wish i didnt feel like i didnt matter anymore. i wish i didnt feel like nothing in my life matters anymore. i wish i didnt feel like my goals and dreams i had were pointless now because everyone of them involved you. i wish i didnt feel like because you no longer love me, my life is over. more than anything i wish my life didnt mean anything to me anymore. i wish i didnt feel like no one would care, truly care, anymore if i died tomorrow. i wish all the promises he made werent empty. i wish i didnt feel like ending this fucking life so i dont have to go through this anymore. i wish i wasnt so scared. i wish i had my best friend. i want my best friend ive lost myself. whats the point anymore? there is none.