hahah wow. talk about a punch in the gut. my insides are burning. my fingers are tingling. i cant sit still. my eyes feel like theyre crossing. im biting my lip. im picking my nails polish. i cant sit still. im completely torn apart. im numb, yet in so much pain. how can something so little hurt me so much? how can such an insignificant thing bother me to the point of this? how can such a little thing bring me to the brink of tears?

anyone reading this stupid diary of a site must think im completely insane. i dont cry often. in fact, up until the last 7 months, i considered myself to be very solid and strong. i know now that was all a front. im weak. aside from what i show to everyone else, or what i try to tell myself, im broken. im about to shatter. i feel myself on the brink of insanity.

things that used to bother me, no longer do. my family is as important to me as ever, yet things with them get better. they always do. even if it means my mom moving out and me having two houses and constantly getting in fights with them and getting hurt to the point where i thought i couldnt take it anymore. . things always get better. family is there to stay, and so they will.

other things, i have learned, i lose. i blame myself. there are so many things i could have done, and i torture myself every day with “could haves” and “should haves” and never do i find any peace. sure, i pretend like im alright. i pretend im happy. i pretend like i dont cry by myself every night until im too tired to stay awake. you are an anonymous site, and i wouldnt say that if it wasnt true.

theres nothing i can do now. hes made his decision, and from what i can tell and what i saw today, hes happy. hes living his life. hes over it, and theres nothing i can do anymore. im broken, hes healing. i love that boy so much id never want anything else for him. if hes doing well, and healing, what we had was exaggerated in my head. i made myself believe i meant more to him than i did. i let myself beleive i was more important to him, but i guess everyone does. i just did it to the extent that made me feel like i do today.

i knew not to make myself vulnerable. everything in my insides told me not to. my heart told me i would. my head warned me, but my heart knew i wouldnt be whole without him. now, im broken, and hes happy, and truthfully i wouldnt have it any other way. anything that makes him happy is worth any pain i feel no matter how severe. no matter how many times i have to tell myself to sleep at night, it worth it because if hes happy, i can live with it.

i can live my life unhappy so that he can live his happy. theres no other way to live my life. i have to know hes happy or i cannot go on living. i just cant. i wont.

so as hurt as i am, as much as my body is burning along with the corners of my eyes awaiting familiar tears, i will do it for as long as it takes. ill do it forever if it means theres hope for him. then again, theres always been hope for him. i never meant as i thought i did to him, and, again, thats my mistake. my miss-step. my fault. something i cant take back. i cant take back my heart. its his. and no matter how many ways i try to get it back, it will remain in pieces on the floor of his bedroom where he will continue to step on it unknowingly. while i sit here.

and in all sincerity, im perfectly okay with that.

this wont last. what i have now will not last. i can see it already. were not good for each other. i told myself we were, but were not. i have feelings that he doesnt see. i have emotions he doesnt pick up on. he says he knows me better than anyone, but i know thats not true. ive had someone know me inside and out. ive had someone know what i will think or what i will do before i even fathom it in my head. i know how that feels. this is not that. he knows the fake me. the me i put up front. the me that tells myself thats who i am. maybe that didnt make sense, but i dont know how else to explain it.

ive fooled him. ive made him believe im someone who im not. he thinks im strong. he thinks im okay. he thinks i deal with problems. i dont. i dont tell him. i cant tell him. i dont trust him. not with that. not with my heart.

someone already holds my heart, and as far as i can tell, ill probably never get it back. but, again, im okay with that. maybe what i have now will be as good as it gets. maybe what i have now is good for me. maybe what i have now will never get any better. maybe if i leave ill never have anyone. maybe if i leave ill never have anyone care about me. this boy cares about me, he does. he just doesnt know me. you cant care about someone you dont know. you cant care about someone who is putting up a front. he doesnt know im putting up a front. he doesnt know how i feel or what im going through. im good at putting up a front. im good at making people believe im someone who im not. im good at looking like im okay. im good at pretending to be put together. hes a victim of that. he does care. he does. more than id like him to. but he wouldnt care if he knew how broken i was.

maybe im not right. maybe he would care. maybe hed still take me back. maybe he would be okay with how broken i am. maybe he woudlnt mind if i called him the middle of the night crying. maybe i can start to trust him with those things. although he will not fully understand, maybe i can try.

hahaha i sit here and laugh because no one will ever know who i am again. i lost myself when i lost him. im lost. and that sucks. ill never have anyone in my life that will know me. ill never have anyone in my life who will say full sentences at the same time as me and laugh for hours about nothing. i will never have someone in my life who will know me inside and out because i can never show that to anyone ever again. ill never let anyone see how broken i am. he knows, but hes gone.

people will know the front. people will know the “strong” girl who now im seeing never actually existed. people will see me as i want them to, not who i am. because frankly, i dont care what anyone else thinks. no one else could never mean than much to me. no one else will never make me that happy. no one else will hold me heart the way he did. no one else will hold me the way he did.

in his arms i feel safe. i feel complete. i feel strong, although i know i am not. i feel important. i feel special. those are the feelings i morn over at night before bed. those are the feelings i cry over and let lose so no one else will see how much pain im in. i miss those feelings. i miss him. and the worst part is i know i will never have it again. that is why i cry. that is why i dont sleep. that is why i quit and run away and cant stand to see him although i burn to see him.

that is why my stomach burns at the sight of him like that. that is why i tremble at small things. thats why my insides turn to ice when i think of him with someone else. i burn because im not good enough. i burn because its my fault. i burn because theres nothing i can do. i burn because i let myself become vulnerable. i burn because vulnerable with him is all ill ever want to be. i burn because pain doesnt matter anymore. ive become numb. i burn because i will forever be numb to the world around me. i burn because i want release from this shitty world. i burn because i dont want to live in a world where i feel nothing. i burn because i just dont know if its worth it anymore. i burn because im not good enough.

and i know i never will be.