talked to an old friend today. i guess i wouldnt really say he was a friend-more like an acquaintance. it was nice. i miss the old things i used to do. i miss feeling like i belong somewhere. i miss feeling like i had my feet flat on the floor. i miss the feeling of a solid support system. i miss my family being together. i miss all the people who were there for me during the hardest times of my life that have walked away. with them, they brought me. i wish they had brought all of me with them into their new lives, but instead they just took memories ill never share with anyone else. thats sad.

i miss feeling like i always had someone to talk to. i miss the way i felt when i was younger. i miss feeling like nothing could touch me. i miss trusting people.

i miss those whom i trusted most. i miss trusting them, and with all my heart i want to trust them again, but they wont even give me a chance.

i miss when people kept their words, and when a word meant something. i miss feeling like i belonged to someone, and i miss the feeling of being special. 

i miss the feeling of knowing who i was and where i was going. 

im now frantic. im out of control. im barely keeping my head above the surface, and no one is there to save me anymore. ive messed that up for myself. ive lost. i didnt do enough, and its my fault. there was so much more i could have done. i could have forgiven. i could have sucked it up. i could have burried the feeling. i should have never said a word. i should have kept the ache inside. i should have found a way to get over it. i shouldnt have been so selfish in the amount of time i told myself i needed. i should have cried in your arms instead of my pillow. i should have called you to talk instead of going running away from my fears in the rain so no one could see i was crying.

i should have held you and never let you go, yet you are gone.

today is one of many days. today i feel regret. my life is filled to the brim with regret, and no one is there to help me. no one understands. someone understands, but no one who is there. my fault. i shouldve figured it out. i didnt do all that i could. i just wasnt good enough. im not good enough. youll find someone good enough, and i will be happy for you. . because i know what im missing and what she has. 

she has someone who will treat her right and treat her as though she is a princess, just as i was treated. she will always be secure. she will always know her place. she will live forever with someone who is by far the most wonderful man i have ever known. 

please, whoever you are, be thankful. take nothing for granted. keep calm and never be selfish. take in everything. visit places that you can call your own. visit places you can remember each other by. get to know him. the real him. the him he hides from the rest of the world. . because its there. tis hidden, and you will find it if you’re patient. a prince lies beneath his skin. someone who will love you with every amount he can . .and whoever you are. . i will no resent you. i will always be happy for you.

i wasnt good enough. i couldnt be the girl he needed. . but you have to be. please be. be whatever it was he fell in love with me for. . whatever the hell it was if it was anything at all. . and be more. be someone he cannot lose. be someone he cannot ignore. .because if he does. . you will be lost forever. be everything you can for him, because i couldnt. do it for me, and do it for him. please make him happy. let him trust you. never give him a reason not to. 

love him with everything you had, as i did. .  but do it right. do it so that he can see it. i never let him see. but let him love you as well. i made too many mistakes. i never opened up. i never let him see how much i truely loved and cared about him. that boy is special, and i couldnt get through to him. i couldnt show him. i couldnt let myself be vulnerable. i wasnt good enough, and now i never will be. i wasnt strong enough for him, and to me that was the biggest mistake ive ever made.

he made me feel strong. he made me believe i was someone so special. . and now i know. . now that hes gone i can see clearly that i never was. i wasnt good enough. . or i wouldnt be sitting here crying. typing. rambling. making no sense. tears rolling down my cheeks begging whoever it is that is special enough to see his love.. and whoever it is that is lucky enough to see the real him, the real wonderful, caring, goofy, impatient, loving, strong man that i know. .to never ever ever take one breath with him for granted. never. i beg of you. let yourself be loved, and dont lose him. and i promise you will be the strongest, most special, most cared for, most truly happy, most confident person you could ever be. 

dont lose sight of that. never lose sight of that. 

asdfghjkl

today i was overwhelmed. today i cried again. today i am no closer to being the same person i was than i am to getting to the moon. still i am not good enough. still, today, i realize the regret i feel. still, today, i want him to be happy. still, today, i cry. 

today, i will go out and run in this storm so no questions are asked as to why my face is soaking wet when everyone comes home. 

today, i realize its raining. like it always is. like it always will. 

rain is everything. 

rain is him.

never lose sight of the power of rain and never take it for granted.

sdfghjk 

ill write again tonight. i know, again, i wont sleep.

again i will wake up in tears, again no one will be there to call or understand. 

aslfjlk

i miss when “today” was a good day.