and here goes my word vomit. not logged onto facebook this time, i am overwhelmed and need the comfort of this journal to move onward. this wont help, but i can only try. every other option has been abandonded.

reading things on the internet is interesting. the way certain things are worded can really affect. today, i thought i was doing well. ive been toughing it out-keeping everything inside. keeping a smile. attempting to get through day to day. keeping myself calm and collected from the outside. holding myself together with a thin thread. little did i know- or rather, i was all too aware in my subconscious- that it had been fraying.

I read. my stomach dropped. not because of something intolerable. not because something tremendous happened. not because i ahd been fight and screaming with my family. not because i had lost another friend. not because had i lost another life. .

BUT because of something i read. something so small. something so insignificant. something meaningless to anyone but me. something im sure i was meant to read, but im hoping hurt was not the intent behind it. it may have been.

i could not begin to tell you why something so small could affect me so much, but it did, and nevertheless, it caused hot, angry, built-up tears to explaode and stream down my face.. why? i couldnt answer that honestly. i couldnt begin to tell anyone the complexity of my feelings, of my thoughts, of my decisions. .

that, as a whole, has become very clear.

in reality, i do not do what i want. not anymore. no longer am i strong enough for that. not only that, but i know now i was never strong enough. i am not a strong person. i used to be strong. yes, that contradicts it self. thats because i used to have a support system. i used to know myself. i used to AT LEAST be able to tell myself i was strong because he convinced me i was. . that part of my life is over. i am weak. i can admit that now.

i do what is right for me now- in the eyes of my mind. i cannot think with my heart any longer, for it has been broken. a broken heart, in my case, cannot think. it cannot be trusted. time and time again i trusted my heart to lead me to the right answer, and time and time again i became weaker and more hurt.

every time i begin to see light creep back into my life, every time i hear words ive been longing to hear, every time i begin to realign my life, light, along with trust, is swept up from underneath me and snatched away with the wind. again, i am fillde with darkness. a little more shattered.

words, ive learned, are meaningless. they have no significance. none. it is actions that reverberate and show compassion and growth and change. words, on the other hand are empty. they mean nothing to someone like me-someone who has gained nothing from the “word” of other people. someone who cannot trust words. someone who wishes words and careless, convincing, loose tongues would no longer pollute what my mind tells me over and over is a lie.

trust, in my heart, has disintegrated. in its place, ive found fear. fear for acting with my heart. fear of hurt. fear of the unknown. fear of loss and of broken promises. i can no longer think with my heart, for again, it is broken. ive learned, instead, to think and act with my head.

what is unknown was once a well-worn, very traveled, exciting path for me. now, it is overgrown with hurt and pain and has become un-worn. i cant travel amoung unknown things anymore for fear i will break fully. broken as i am, i have no room for error. no room to screw up. no room to get hurt or crushed again, for i will surely break down. break apart. broken. lose all control.

my life, in every aspect, has gone down hill. everything. and i would not write these words if it wasnt honest. no one knows. no one can be fully trusted, for everyone has shown me that-not through untrusted words, but through telling actions. there is no one but myself i can trust, and still that is not a commitment. i, myself, have begun thinking with my mind, and that in it self is a scary thought. how can i trust myself if i cannot trust my heart to tell me what i need to do.

a broken heart is a scary thing.

thinking with ones mind is not what happiness is.

thinking with ones heart is irresponsible. . right?

the path to happiness can only be found with ones heart. that i know for sure.

how is one to find happiness is the heart is broken? how can a heart function to tell whats right if its broken?

how did i become so broken?

no.

how did i let myself become so broken?

why did i let it get this far? so bad? so far gone? why did i think i could stop this? what has my mind been telling me? how can this be right. i am healing. im not hurt. where is my path?

i strayed from my path because i was hurt. bad. i got hurt, and now my heart is broken. my heart is broken, so i cannot find my path.

im healing. i will no longer be hurt for i am thinking with my mind, and not my heart. thats the best thing, right? if i get hurt again, i will surely lose control. all control.

with a broken heart, have i already lost control?