in the beginning, i knew myself.

i knew who i was, and what my values were. I knew who i saw myself with way down my life in the future. and now, i dont. i have a twisted interpretation of myself. everything i once knew about myself is and forever will be a blur. ive lost who i wanted to be, and who i wanted to be. the boy i knew i would one say marry and have a life with made one mistake, and i overreacted: there starts the downward spiral of losing myself.

he was my rock, and everything i was. the only constant i ever had in my life. he was always there. a shoulder to cry on, a boyfriend to kiss and to hold and to make me feel comfortable, a best friends to confide in, and he holds my heart in the palm of his hand. he shared with me the best and worst parts of my life, and because i couldnt get over myself and my trust issues, i lost him. and memories a long with him.

its not that i will ever forget those memories. i will cherish them forever. but now they will be tainted. with lost love. and guilt. and wanting. and depressed anger. i loved. i screwed myself over, and along with that came screwing myself into what i now know as someone else. he took with him memories that were not shared with anyone else. and in his furry, decided we shouldnt talk. i understand that, and i understand i am the one to blame, but now i will forever know that i am the one who caused him pain enough to throw all of that away.

maybe those things didnt mean as much to him as they did me. maybe i told myself i meant more to him that i did. maybe i envisioned for myself the perfect situation (because thats what it was), when in reality, it was not.

all i have left now is regret. painful regret. i am yearning for the comfort and compassion i once shared with someone. i take that back. i am yearning for the compassion and yearning i once shared with HIM. and only him.

i am selfish. and i am lost without him. i loved him. i disappointed him. i hurt him. and for that, i will never forgive myself.

i will grow up, and if he still will not forgive me, i will grow with someone else. i wont tell myself i will move on, because i wont. i never will. the pain will never go away. and because i was a fool and did not realize and cherish what i had when i did, i will forever pretend to be happy. i will live myself and try anything to get over the mourning i have for the love i lost that i know now will never be replaced be another sole. i will tell myself it is possible, and maybe i will convince myself later in life i am okay laying in bed with someone else. . but it will never be okay.

i will never in a million years go to bed without thinking about him. i havent since the day i met him. i will never get the chance to tell him that. and that pains me deep in my heart. i will never again be able to tell him the amount of tears that are falling down my face as i write this, the amount of regret i feel towards my immature mistakes, and the burning love i felt for him all the years that i knew him. he will never forgive me, and i will never penalize him for that.

i told him it was his fault, but it never was. i could never get over myself. i could never be wrong. i could never get over my insecurities. he was the only one who got through, and to be honest, that scared the life out of me. he was my whole world, and the reason i got up every morning.
i know that sounds cliché, but there were days when i felt like nothing more than laying my bed and missing school, but i would wake up so that my parents would let me spend the whole weekend with him.

recently, i had surgery. i had a tumor. at this time, i was “with” someone new. we had gotten into a fight. at the time, the only thing i could do to get over the fact that he had gotten into my heart, and i let him, and he had broken it, was to show myself i was bigger than that. in my head, i had to prove to myself that he didnt break my heart as much as he did. i had to prove to myself i was stronger. so, i told him i could trust this new kid.

tumblr, let me tell you, that will never happen. in a million trillion years. no one will ever have my heart the way he does. i say “does” and not “did” on purpose. he still holds my heart at the same intensity he did the night i told him i loved him. i will never trust anyone the way i do him, and that goes for the rest of my life. i will never. i know wont. i trust him with my whole being.

yes, i say “trust” because as much as i tell him or myself that i cant trust him, or that i lost trust in him, i do. with everything. with my whole heart. my whole life, everything that i am. but i dont have the chance to tell him that now. i will never have another chance to tell him how much his friendship means to me. how much hes changed me. how much of a better person i am because i love him, and how much he has truley effected and is effecting my life.

i love him, and i hate myself.