May 2011
7 posts
clarification.
let me make something clear…
i do not put myself to sleep every night crying because i lost my boyfriend. obviously, in some respects i do. i cry because i lost myself. i cry because it was my fault. i cry because i wasnt good enough. i cry because i lost him. i cry because i am left here crying, and he could care less. i cry because i cant talk to him. i cry because i miss walking with...
bestfriend.
i had an interesting night last night. i had no idea how gone the feelings for him. together, theyre strong, but when i part from him,there is no interest. no wanting. no needing like i feel. maybe i even fabricate the feeling we have when were together. maybe i just tell myself im more important than i am. i have truly lost him. i have truly lost myself. i have messed up. past the point of...
burning.
hahah wow. talk about a punch in the gut. my insides are burning. my fingers are tingling. i cant sit still. my eyes feel like theyre crossing. im biting my lip. im picking my nails polish. i cant sit still. im completely torn apart. im numb, yet in so much pain. how can something so little hurt me so much? how can such an insignificant thing bother me to the point of this? how can such a little...
today.
talked to an old friend today. i guess i wouldnt really say he was a friend-more like an acquaintance. it was nice. i miss the old things i used to do. i miss feeling like i belong somewhere. i miss feeling like i had my feet flat on the floor. i miss the feeling of a solid support system. i miss my family being together. i miss all the people who were there for me during the hardest times of my...
April 2011
1 post
words.
and here goes my word vomit. not logged onto facebook this time, i am overwhelmed and need the comfort of this journal to move onward. this wont help, but i can only try. every other option has been abandonded.
reading things on the internet is interesting. the way certain things are worded can really affect. today, i thought i was doing well. ive been toughing it out-keeping everything inside....
March 2011
12 posts
“I know God will not give me anything I can’t handle. I just wish He...”
– i found this online as i was researching a paper about deceit. it makes so much sense. i had to laugh. i need to keep reminding myself this is true, and move forward. there is just so much weight to move.
“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear...”
school.
sucks. i hate it. i hate walking into school with so much on my mind. i hate sitting in class when id rather be outside DOING SOMETHING with my life. i hate feeling like im wasting time. i hate learning things i dont want to be taught. i hate thinking when i want to sleep. i hate knowing where i want to go in life, but its just out of reach because the governments not ready for me to do so yet. i...
mywords.
im telling myself right now i will not delete anything i write. ideally, i want to come back to this and be better off than i was. i cant see myself getting any lower than i am now. then again, ive said that before.
wordvomit.
i cant sleep. i cant breath. crying. shaking. fear. regret.
the more i think, the more i panic.
scared. pain. yearning. passion.
loss of comfort and who i am.
loss of love.
loss of myself.
my fault. hes an angel. i neglected it. and him. and my situation.
“you never know what you have till its gone”
tears, embarrassment, anxiety, longing.
death. heart hurts. mourning.
...
“in the beginning, i knew myself.
i knew who i was, and what my values were. I...”
– i used this as a quote on accident, but i guess it really begins the reason why i made this site. to helo me through that. so thank you.
disclaimer.
anything i write on this will be “spilling”.
i say that because i am going to log onto this site when i cant handle what im hold in anymore, and i just need to tell someone.
someone being anonymous listener, because a lot of this stuff i dont want to tell anyone i know. i dont want these things to get out of my mind. i dont want things to get tossed around or misinterpreted.
there...
November 2010
1 post
