let me make something clear…

i do not put myself to sleep every night crying because i lost my boyfriend. obviously, in some respects i do. i cry because i lost myself. i cry because it was my fault. i cry because i wasnt good enough. i cry because i lost him. i cry because i am left here crying, and he could care less. i cry because i cant talk to him. i cry because i miss walking with him. i cry because i miss his presents. i cry because i miss the feeling he gave me. not the butterrflies, not the chills, not love, because those have withheld this mess. its the feeling of because loved. the genuine (i guess i question that now as i lay and reflect) feeling that someone would forever love and care about me. that i was special to him and in no way would that ever change. i dont cry because i miss the label we had. words are so meaningless. i cry because i will never get him back. i cry because he doesnt care. i cry because i am forced to question something that, in my heart, was so real. i dont cry because i miss his presents in front of me, and his touch (although i do more than anything else in the world) i cry because i miss his presents in my life. all that can be done i didnt do. i messed up. and the fact that it was my fault haunts myy sleepless nights until all i have left to do is cry by myself in a dark room because frankly thats where i belong. i dont deserve anyones love. i cannot be trusted with it. i feel as though someone does not have the capability to love me. i feel as though moments of eye contact on a crowded stage that make my insides flip in and out and out of my body and spin me around until i cant breathe and our eyes lock and i cannot  move. and i am frozen where i am until i forget others are in the room at all. . means nothing. it means nothing to him. it means my whole world, but to him it is simply a gesture. that kills me. that is why i cry. i cry because ive lost someone who means more to me than my own life. 

i cry not because i lost my boyfriend, but because i lost my best friend. and that will surely be the death of me.

i had an interesting night last night. i had no idea how gone the feelings for him. together, theyre strong, but when i part from him,there is no interest. no wanting. no needing like i feel. maybe i even fabricate the feeling we have when were together. maybe i just tell myself im more important than i am. i have truly lost him. i have truly lost myself. i have messed up. past the point of return. what is the point? what could possibly be the point for me to carry on the way i am? theres no point in turning back no, because there would me no one to catch me. what i have now is truly what it will be. . the best it will be. ive lost my sense of belonging. in my own self pity and trust issues, i have lost what is most important to me. ive lost what makes me. ive lost who i thought i was. all i have left to do now is start over. .and pretend. continue to pretend im happy. continue to pretend im not broken. yet, i am so broken. i can barely stand to stand next to him anymore without my knees getting weak and my mind fluttering. it was to the point last night where he would talk to me, yet i had to ask him to repeat himself twice because i truly wasnt listening to a word he was saying. i was just taking in what i could of him before i had to be ripped away again. and ripped i was. and my lame attempts and seeing him again were thrown back with the littlest of thoughts. 

i am no longer a piece of his life anymore. i am no longer in my heart as he is mine. im longer important, even significant in his life. and it burns every part of my sole. i want to sit in a corner and weep. i want to curl up in a ball and saulk in what is now my shell of a life. i dont feel alive when i am not with him. i dont light up the way i do when he smiles at me for anyone. no one.

i wish more than anything i wasnt such a screw up. i wish i didnt cause this. i wish none of this had happened. i wish i was still getting married to the love of my life the way we planned. i wish i was still able to call my baby and cuddle with him whenever i damn well please. i wish i still had my best friend to talk to and to make me feel like im important. i wish i still had my best friend to lift up when he isnt feeling his best. i wish i still had someone to bring soup and a kiss to when they were feeling sick. i wish someone else in this God forsaken world could make me smile, and feel special the only way he can. i wish i didnt feel like i didnt matter anymore. i wish i didnt feel like nothing in my life matters anymore. i wish i didnt feel like my goals and dreams i had were pointless now because everyone of them involved you. i wish i didnt feel like because you no longer love me, my life is over. more than anything i wish my life didnt mean anything to me anymore. i wish i didnt feel like no one would care, truly care, anymore if i died tomorrow. i wish all the promises he made werent empty. i wish i didnt feel like ending this fucking life so i dont have to go through this anymore. i wish i wasnt so scared. i wish i had my best friend. i want my best friend ive lost myself. whats the point anymore? there is none.

im thinking about a tattoo like this on my ribs. except super modified. i want a cardinal instead. and a cross and ivy somewhere incorporated in. and water. for a lot of reasons. and i want it to say “in life there are no coincidences, just little miracles”.

i also want “breathe” writting behind my ear, and my nose pierced.

idk when im getting all this exactly, or who im going with, but i want to get it all done before school stats in August. . and i want to lose about 25 pounds before i get them.

starting today im on a diet, and ill work out every chance i get. i have a goal, and i want to get it done.

the way i look now makes me sick. i look in the mirror and look away. im so unhappy with the way i look. . its disgusting. just another thing that makes me stressed when i walk into a room. im going to take care of that.

hahah wow. talk about a punch in the gut. my insides are burning. my fingers are tingling. i cant sit still. my eyes feel like theyre crossing. im biting my lip. im picking my nails polish. i cant sit still. im completely torn apart. im numb, yet in so much pain. how can something so little hurt me so much? how can such an insignificant thing bother me to the point of this? how can such a little thing bring me to the brink of tears?

anyone reading this stupid diary of a site must think im completely insane. i dont cry often. in fact, up until the last 7 months, i considered myself to be very solid and strong. i know now that was all a front. im weak. aside from what i show to everyone else, or what i try to tell myself, im broken. im about to shatter. i feel myself on the brink of insanity.

things that used to bother me, no longer do. my family is as important to me as ever, yet things with them get better. they always do. even if it means my mom moving out and me having two houses and constantly getting in fights with them and getting hurt to the point where i thought i couldnt take it anymore. . things always get better. family is there to stay, and so they will.

other things, i have learned, i lose. i blame myself. there are so many things i could have done, and i torture myself every day with “could haves” and “should haves” and never do i find any peace. sure, i pretend like im alright. i pretend im happy. i pretend like i dont cry by myself every night until im too tired to stay awake. you are an anonymous site, and i wouldnt say that if it wasnt true.

theres nothing i can do now. hes made his decision, and from what i can tell and what i saw today, hes happy. hes living his life. hes over it, and theres nothing i can do anymore. im broken, hes healing. i love that boy so much id never want anything else for him. if hes doing well, and healing, what we had was exaggerated in my head. i made myself believe i meant more to him than i did. i let myself beleive i was more important to him, but i guess everyone does. i just did it to the extent that made me feel like i do today.

i knew not to make myself vulnerable. everything in my insides told me not to. my heart told me i would. my head warned me, but my heart knew i wouldnt be whole without him. now, im broken, and hes happy, and truthfully i wouldnt have it any other way. anything that makes him happy is worth any pain i feel no matter how severe. no matter how many times i have to tell myself to sleep at night, it worth it because if hes happy, i can live with it.

i can live my life unhappy so that he can live his happy. theres no other way to live my life. i have to know hes happy or i cannot go on living. i just cant. i wont.

so as hurt as i am, as much as my body is burning along with the corners of my eyes awaiting familiar tears, i will do it for as long as it takes. ill do it forever if it means theres hope for him. then again, theres always been hope for him. i never meant as i thought i did to him, and, again, thats my mistake. my miss-step. my fault. something i cant take back. i cant take back my heart. its his. and no matter how many ways i try to get it back, it will remain in pieces on the floor of his bedroom where he will continue to step on it unknowingly. while i sit here.

and in all sincerity, im perfectly okay with that.

this wont last. what i have now will not last. i can see it already. were not good for each other. i told myself we were, but were not. i have feelings that he doesnt see. i have emotions he doesnt pick up on. he says he knows me better than anyone, but i know thats not true. ive had someone know me inside and out. ive had someone know what i will think or what i will do before i even fathom it in my head. i know how that feels. this is not that. he knows the fake me. the me i put up front. the me that tells myself thats who i am. maybe that didnt make sense, but i dont know how else to explain it.

ive fooled him. ive made him believe im someone who im not. he thinks im strong. he thinks im okay. he thinks i deal with problems. i dont. i dont tell him. i cant tell him. i dont trust him. not with that. not with my heart.

someone already holds my heart, and as far as i can tell, ill probably never get it back. but, again, im okay with that. maybe what i have now will be as good as it gets. maybe what i have now is good for me. maybe what i have now will never get any better. maybe if i leave ill never have anyone. maybe if i leave ill never have anyone care about me. this boy cares about me, he does. he just doesnt know me. you cant care about someone you dont know. you cant care about someone who is putting up a front. he doesnt know im putting up a front. he doesnt know how i feel or what im going through. im good at putting up a front. im good at making people believe im someone who im not. im good at looking like im okay. im good at pretending to be put together. hes a victim of that. he does care. he does. more than id like him to. but he wouldnt care if he knew how broken i was.

maybe im not right. maybe he would care. maybe hed still take me back. maybe he would be okay with how broken i am. maybe he woudlnt mind if i called him the middle of the night crying. maybe i can start to trust him with those things. although he will not fully understand, maybe i can try.

hahaha i sit here and laugh because no one will ever know who i am again. i lost myself when i lost him. im lost. and that sucks. ill never have anyone in my life that will know me. ill never have anyone in my life who will say full sentences at the same time as me and laugh for hours about nothing. i will never have someone in my life who will know me inside and out because i can never show that to anyone ever again. ill never let anyone see how broken i am. he knows, but hes gone.

people will know the front. people will know the “strong” girl who now im seeing never actually existed. people will see me as i want them to, not who i am. because frankly, i dont care what anyone else thinks. no one else could never mean than much to me. no one else will never make me that happy. no one else will hold me heart the way he did. no one else will hold me the way he did.

in his arms i feel safe. i feel complete. i feel strong, although i know i am not. i feel important. i feel special. those are the feelings i morn over at night before bed. those are the feelings i cry over and let lose so no one else will see how much pain im in. i miss those feelings. i miss him. and the worst part is i know i will never have it again. that is why i cry. that is why i dont sleep. that is why i quit and run away and cant stand to see him although i burn to see him.

that is why my stomach burns at the sight of him like that. that is why i tremble at small things. thats why my insides turn to ice when i think of him with someone else. i burn because im not good enough. i burn because its my fault. i burn because theres nothing i can do. i burn because i let myself become vulnerable. i burn because vulnerable with him is all ill ever want to be. i burn because pain doesnt matter anymore. ive become numb. i burn because i will forever be numb to the world around me. i burn because i want release from this shitty world. i burn because i dont want to live in a world where i feel nothing. i burn because i just dont know if its worth it anymore. i burn because im not good enough.

and i know i never will be.

the rain never ceases to amaze me. such infamous timing. always gets to me. never lets me run away. always makes me remember. never lets up. never turns away from me. i have learned to let the rain be my best friend. the rain listens when i scream. the rain washes away my tears when i cry. the rain covers me when im crying, and does not waver until im ready to get up and dry off. the rain fills me with memories and reminds me not to forget. . no matter how painful. the rain encompasses my life. and i let it.

out running in the rain. 

talk to you tonight Tumblr.

so lately i have been well aware that every life has an expiration date. every life could end today. every regret cannot be put off. life cannot be put off. life can end right now. and please —> never regret and never ever take anything or anyone for granted. especially if you cannot live without them. i am living a lie. i am living with regrets. i cannot take my own advice because i am not strong enough. i am not good enough. i was never good enough. please, understand life is not promised to anyone. it took my losing my life to understand and realize that. do not let your life expire with regrets or should-haves. do not let your life expire without those you love being aware of what you mean to them. after this post, i have many people to talk to. many people that i miss and need in my life. many of which will not allow it. many of which will, again, make promises and turn me away. but i need to try. i need to know i tried. i need to know if i died today, the people i love would know i tried.  

talked to an old friend today. i guess i wouldnt really say he was a friend-more like an acquaintance. it was nice. i miss the old things i used to do. i miss feeling like i belong somewhere. i miss feeling like i had my feet flat on the floor. i miss the feeling of a solid support system. i miss my family being together. i miss all the people who were there for me during the hardest times of my life that have walked away. with them, they brought me. i wish they had brought all of me with them into their new lives, but instead they just took memories ill never share with anyone else. thats sad.

i miss feeling like i always had someone to talk to. i miss the way i felt when i was younger. i miss feeling like nothing could touch me. i miss trusting people.

i miss those whom i trusted most. i miss trusting them, and with all my heart i want to trust them again, but they wont even give me a chance.

i miss when people kept their words, and when a word meant something. i miss feeling like i belonged to someone, and i miss the feeling of being special. 

i miss the feeling of knowing who i was and where i was going. 

im now frantic. im out of control. im barely keeping my head above the surface, and no one is there to save me anymore. ive messed that up for myself. ive lost. i didnt do enough, and its my fault. there was so much more i could have done. i could have forgiven. i could have sucked it up. i could have burried the feeling. i should have never said a word. i should have kept the ache inside. i should have found a way to get over it. i shouldnt have been so selfish in the amount of time i told myself i needed. i should have cried in your arms instead of my pillow. i should have called you to talk instead of going running away from my fears in the rain so no one could see i was crying.

i should have held you and never let you go, yet you are gone.

today is one of many days. today i feel regret. my life is filled to the brim with regret, and no one is there to help me. no one understands. someone understands, but no one who is there. my fault. i shouldve figured it out. i didnt do all that i could. i just wasnt good enough. im not good enough. youll find someone good enough, and i will be happy for you. . because i know what im missing and what she has. 

she has someone who will treat her right and treat her as though she is a princess, just as i was treated. she will always be secure. she will always know her place. she will live forever with someone who is by far the most wonderful man i have ever known. 

please, whoever you are, be thankful. take nothing for granted. keep calm and never be selfish. take in everything. visit places that you can call your own. visit places you can remember each other by. get to know him. the real him. the him he hides from the rest of the world. . because its there. tis hidden, and you will find it if you’re patient. a prince lies beneath his skin. someone who will love you with every amount he can . .and whoever you are. . i will no resent you. i will always be happy for you.

i wasnt good enough. i couldnt be the girl he needed. . but you have to be. please be. be whatever it was he fell in love with me for. . whatever the hell it was if it was anything at all. . and be more. be someone he cannot lose. be someone he cannot ignore. .because if he does. . you will be lost forever. be everything you can for him, because i couldnt. do it for me, and do it for him. please make him happy. let him trust you. never give him a reason not to. 

love him with everything you had, as i did. .  but do it right. do it so that he can see it. i never let him see. but let him love you as well. i made too many mistakes. i never opened up. i never let him see how much i truely loved and cared about him. that boy is special, and i couldnt get through to him. i couldnt show him. i couldnt let myself be vulnerable. i wasnt good enough, and now i never will be. i wasnt strong enough for him, and to me that was the biggest mistake ive ever made.

he made me feel strong. he made me believe i was someone so special. . and now i know. . now that hes gone i can see clearly that i never was. i wasnt good enough. . or i wouldnt be sitting here crying. typing. rambling. making no sense. tears rolling down my cheeks begging whoever it is that is special enough to see his love.. and whoever it is that is lucky enough to see the real him, the real wonderful, caring, goofy, impatient, loving, strong man that i know. .to never ever ever take one breath with him for granted. never. i beg of you. let yourself be loved, and dont lose him. and i promise you will be the strongest, most special, most cared for, most truly happy, most confident person you could ever be. 

dont lose sight of that. never lose sight of that. 

asdfghjkl

today i was overwhelmed. today i cried again. today i am no closer to being the same person i was than i am to getting to the moon. still i am not good enough. still, today, i realize the regret i feel. still, today, i want him to be happy. still, today, i cry. 

today, i will go out and run in this storm so no questions are asked as to why my face is soaking wet when everyone comes home. 

today, i realize its raining. like it always is. like it always will. 

rain is everything. 

rain is him.

never lose sight of the power of rain and never take it for granted.

sdfghjk 

ill write again tonight. i know, again, i wont sleep.

again i will wake up in tears, again no one will be there to call or understand. 

aslfjlk

i miss when “today” was a good day.

and here goes my word vomit. not logged onto facebook this time, i am overwhelmed and need the comfort of this journal to move onward. this wont help, but i can only try. every other option has been abandonded.

reading things on the internet is interesting. the way certain things are worded can really affect. today, i thought i was doing well. ive been toughing it out-keeping everything inside. keeping a smile. attempting to get through day to day. keeping myself calm and collected from the outside. holding myself together with a thin thread. little did i know- or rather, i was all too aware in my subconscious- that it had been fraying.

I read. my stomach dropped. not because of something intolerable. not because something tremendous happened. not because i ahd been fight and screaming with my family. not because i had lost another friend. not because had i lost another life. .

BUT because of something i read. something so small. something so insignificant. something meaningless to anyone but me. something im sure i was meant to read, but im hoping hurt was not the intent behind it. it may have been.

i could not begin to tell you why something so small could affect me so much, but it did, and nevertheless, it caused hot, angry, built-up tears to explaode and stream down my face.. why? i couldnt answer that honestly. i couldnt begin to tell anyone the complexity of my feelings, of my thoughts, of my decisions. .

that, as a whole, has become very clear.

in reality, i do not do what i want. not anymore. no longer am i strong enough for that. not only that, but i know now i was never strong enough. i am not a strong person. i used to be strong. yes, that contradicts it self. thats because i used to have a support system. i used to know myself. i used to AT LEAST be able to tell myself i was strong because he convinced me i was. . that part of my life is over. i am weak. i can admit that now.

i do what is right for me now- in the eyes of my mind. i cannot think with my heart any longer, for it has been broken. a broken heart, in my case, cannot think. it cannot be trusted. time and time again i trusted my heart to lead me to the right answer, and time and time again i became weaker and more hurt.

every time i begin to see light creep back into my life, every time i hear words ive been longing to hear, every time i begin to realign my life, light, along with trust, is swept up from underneath me and snatched away with the wind. again, i am fillde with darkness. a little more shattered.

words, ive learned, are meaningless. they have no significance. none. it is actions that reverberate and show compassion and growth and change. words, on the other hand are empty. they mean nothing to someone like me-someone who has gained nothing from the “word” of other people. someone who cannot trust words. someone who wishes words and careless, convincing, loose tongues would no longer pollute what my mind tells me over and over is a lie.

trust, in my heart, has disintegrated. in its place, ive found fear. fear for acting with my heart. fear of hurt. fear of the unknown. fear of loss and of broken promises. i can no longer think with my heart, for again, it is broken. ive learned, instead, to think and act with my head.

what is unknown was once a well-worn, very traveled, exciting path for me. now, it is overgrown with hurt and pain and has become un-worn. i cant travel amoung unknown things anymore for fear i will break fully. broken as i am, i have no room for error. no room to screw up. no room to get hurt or crushed again, for i will surely break down. break apart. broken. lose all control.

my life, in every aspect, has gone down hill. everything. and i would not write these words if it wasnt honest. no one knows. no one can be fully trusted, for everyone has shown me that-not through untrusted words, but through telling actions. there is no one but myself i can trust, and still that is not a commitment. i, myself, have begun thinking with my mind, and that in it self is a scary thought. how can i trust myself if i cannot trust my heart to tell me what i need to do.

a broken heart is a scary thing.

thinking with ones mind is not what happiness is.

thinking with ones heart is irresponsible. . right?

the path to happiness can only be found with ones heart. that i know for sure.

how is one to find happiness is the heart is broken? how can a heart function to tell whats right if its broken?

how did i become so broken?

no.

how did i let myself become so broken?

why did i let it get this far? so bad? so far gone? why did i think i could stop this? what has my mind been telling me? how can this be right. i am healing. im not hurt. where is my path?

i strayed from my path because i was hurt. bad. i got hurt, and now my heart is broken. my heart is broken, so i cannot find my path.

im healing. i will no longer be hurt for i am thinking with my mind, and not my heart. thats the best thing, right? if i get hurt again, i will surely lose control. all control.

with a broken heart, have i already lost control?

its been raining all week, which any person who knows us really could have guessed. yesterday it rained more that usual. i got a call. and it continued to rain. i drove through the rain to him. we sat together. more rain. we laid together, and the rain stopped. just stopped. theres nothing like this. its not normal. we are not normal. we are anything but.